Mental Mommy

Blog Until You're Not Mad Any More!

I sat down to blog about my anger with a few people.  As usual, I wouldn't say who it was or anything, but sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it all down and organize it...  It's purging and then I can not be angry any more...  Which is always good, right? 

So why am I more irritated now than when I started?  Why am I finding more and more reasons to be mad?  In the long run, I suppose it is a small thing...  But then, it's not.  Still, it's not something I should just stay pissed about.  That takes too much energy, for one.  For another thing, it's not like being mad is going to change anything, besides making it worse.  Who needs that?  Not this chick, that's for damn sure...

I think I am still trying so hard to let go of my anger with other people and situations, and since I can't, I am finding new things to direct it toward, unfair though that may be.  I know most people find the ones they love are the easiest to take out negativity on, but that doesn't make it right, nor fair.  Still...

So here I am, stewing away...  I don't really want to let this one go, but for ya' know, see above...  I think I actually want to piss away the energy and stay angry.  How dumb is that?! 

In some weird way, I guess this stupid blog worked.  I am mad, but it's forced.  I'm only mad because I want to be, not because I'm genuinely pissed off...  LAY-MUH.

So what purpose does your blog serve? 

Evaluation

The end of the year is often a time for taking stock, evaluating, and making resolutions for improvement.  I hate that.  *laugh*  I think it's trite.  I mean, I suppose it's better to remind some people to try to stop, reflect, and see where they could improve, but I strive to do that year round.  Having said that, right now I am stopping hard - like both feet on the brakes hard.  I am having a hard time with just about every little thing.  I feel as though many things shouldn't make me look twice, let alone keep me up at night.  So for one, why are these things plaguing me so?  For another, if I realize they shouldn't be, why can't I let them go?  So I find myself joining the masses at the end of the year to stop, take stock, evaluate, and change course as needed.

Words Fail

    LRRH had her baby this weekend.  At 6:00 PM on Sunday, she welcomed her son, who has yet to be named, into the world.  He came complete with 10 fingers and 10 toes, a headful of jet black, curly hair, and chubby little cheeks.  It was absolutely amazing.

Words fail to express all that I saw and felt during her birth, but this will have to suffice.  If I don't get it out, I may very well explode.  If I could take out a billboard for the entire world to see, I would.  I want the entire world to see what an amazing woman my best friend truly is.  She is astounding.  I love her and her son more than words can ever say. 

Happy Thanksgiving, indeed

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  I realize I am posting a little late in the day, but yours truly was cookin' most of the day, and stuffin' my face the rest of the time!  I actually did very well.  I did not over eat, tempting though it was.  I figure there was no sense in throwing away a few weeks of hard work - portion control is a bitch, but it has me back under 150, so I will stick to it.  :-)

Anyway, I have to do the obligatory, "What are you thankful for?" post, right?  Right.  I have the usual things to be thankful for of course: my health, family and friends, yadda yadda yadda...  But what I am most thankful for this year is the ability to look around and find plenty of things to be thankful for while temporarily suspending all desire to point out the things I do not have.  I'm not going to lie and say I don't notice that we still haven't replaced our roof, or that it's a breeze to be a single car family, or even that it's not a pain in the ass trying to re-vamp the budget yet again because our utility rates increased.  Of course I notice those things, and they make me uncomfortable, and sometimes, unhappy.  But you I find that while it is important to note those things so that I can work on them, or accept them, or whatever needs to be done, it's even more important not to dwell on them.  How can anyone ever be happy if they occupy themselves with all the things they don't have?  It's so much easier and so much nicer to absorb all that you DO have and appreciate it for what it is.  I spent most of the day just taking in my kids and my husband.  That was pretty damn cool.  I got lots of love from T-Rex, saw some serious maturity in Mega Man, and so much more...

I have several friends upon whom I wish I could bestow this "thing" I have discovered.  They seem hell-bent on focusing only on what falls short of their wishes and desires, and what they don't have that they are missing out on so many neat things in their lives.  I imagine it brings a lot of undue frustration...  I mean, I stress more than enough, but there comes a point when you just have to let it go...  And I think that if you don't appreciate what you have, you're missing out even more.  If you can't see what is before you for what it's worth, what is the point in having it?  What good is the love of a child if you don't cherish it?  What good is an hour or two with a friend if you're texting someone else the entire time?  What good is a hot, home cooked meal if you gobble it down so fast you don't taste it, and skimp on conversation with the family sitting at the table with you? 

It's been a long time coming, but I think I finally got it.  I am thankful for it all...  even what I don't have.  :-)

...

Normally when I feel this way, I post to my private blog.  It's just not the sort of thing I post publically because it feels...  cheap.  I guess I am throwing it out there because, well, keeping it to myself hasn't done me any good, so I assume putting it out there can't hurt much, either.

I miss her.  I miss her so much it hurts.  I catch myself saying something she would say and I damn near burst into tears.  But, as always, I don't.  I just dummy up.  Or shut down.  It's funny.  I know DH has asked me things about her or that would turn the conversation towards her...  And I know I swore my babies would know her through me, but I have failed because I can't bring myself to talk about her.  We turn those pages too quickly in the photo albums.  Whenever we start to get too near the subject in conversation, the last thing I recall saying is, "I don't want to talk about this any more," and then it's like someone else steps in and covers for me for a minute while I collect myself somewhere else.  When I rejoin the situation, there are several minutes missing and it's like I was in a fog...  Like I just dropped in out of nowhere.  I don't think that's normal, but I must admit that I am not exactly in a hurry to do anything about it, either.  I'm not lying when I say I don't want to talk about it...  I don't.  I can't have a conversation about her without facing the fact that she isn't here...  And won't ever be here.  The past tense is a bitch.  If there were some way around it...  I might be able to talk about her...  But that past tense is a wicked, wicked thing...

I wish to The Force she were here.  I can't think of anything short of my children that I wouldn't give up to have her here...  I look at Dizzy Girl and I just ache.  Physically.  I ache.  I think about how much she looks like me and what she would think of her hair and her smile.  I think about how she would adore her toothless grin and her chubby little cheeks and her pink outfits and her bows and frills...  I think about how she won't be there for tea parties and doll houses or dance recitals....  And I think about what she will never see with the boys and how much she loved on Mega Man when we were out in California...  I just ache when I think of all the things the children are missing because of that void...

It's like a black hole for me, really.  It has gravity.  It pulls me in all the time, but pulls in pieces of other stuff, too.  We had Mega's 5th birthday party this weekend and before I could stop myself, I pulled out my phone and started to dial so she could sing to him.  Christ on crutches, I tried to call her.  I can't remember my own damn phone number half the time, but without thinking, I started to dial a number I've not called in almost 4 fucking years.  How do I do that?  How do I just block it out like that and access it without even thinking?  How for fuck's sake do I do that?  I don't even think I want to know...  And I don't care to change that, either.  I just sort of trembled and closed my phone.  I lost a few more minutes, but BFD...  I was back in my party room with 18 energetic children and no one noticed...

So I skip some beats...  So what?  I could be losing my mind, right?  I mean, I could just forget.  In this case, I don't really see an issue with my method of holding white-knuckle tight to every little thing I can get my fragile little mind to recall.  Where is the harm in that?  Sure, I can sometimes see an overlap and again, I lose afew minutes before I can get the memory out of real life...  It's like watching a movie, but instead of just the current scene, I can see a scene previous, too.  Where you should see children running in a park being watched by me, their mother, I see me running in Schiller Park being watched by her...  BFD.  No harm, no foul.  In some instance, I can't control it.  It starts and stops of its own accord and I drink it all in...  Because after that, I don't know if I can recall it again or if I will even remember what I saw when it is over.  It's like a flashback, but better.  Sometimes I can even smell things...  Like pudding.  Does anyone else remember cooking pudding on the stove?  To this day, I still prefer hot pudding to cold or room temp...  Pudding cups suck.  Gimme the real deal.

So I miss her.  And today it was so bad that I kept seeing her everywhere.  Everywhere.  It hurt.  A lot.  I hate that.  I hate that hurt and I hate that ache.  I fucking hate it.  I hate that I feel it at all.  I hate that she's not here.  I fucking hate it.  Why can't I have her back?  Better yet: why did she have to go at all?  Seriously, of all people, The Force couldn't have picked someone, anyone different?  WTF...

FUCK.

I need a mental health day!

Along with being seriously under-valued, under-paid, under-appreciated, and sleep deprived, one thing the career of motherhood lacks is mental health days.  I desperately need time with myself and myself alone to evaluate, prioritize, and tackle. 

• Bills.  One of our credit cards is jumping to 29.99% in response to Obama's fair credit laws.  We are not maxxed out, have never made a late or partial payment, and yet, if we keep this card, we will be paying 30% interest.  Guess which card will no longer have a place in our wallets?  That leaves us a single credit card that is just below its limit.  It has a phenomenal rate, though...  we have a hole in our wall with water damage lurking behind it.  It's going to take a couple hundred dollars for the repair and making the room look decent.  If we went to just repair the damage and leave bare wood, no drywall, or paint, obviously it would be less expensive...  we still have one car...  none of my midwifery schools accept federal funds, so we're looking at personal loans or putting off my education...  shall I continue?
• Temptation.  I continue to be offered awesome opportunites that I think would enrich my midwifery and doulas qualities.  They are being dangled in front of me like cake and while I want to seize them all, obviously that would be unwise and over-taxing.  So which do I take and which do I leave? 
• Food.  I hate being gluten free around the holidays.  No stuffing, modified pies, no green bean casserole...  LAME.
• Children.  T-Rex just doesn't listen.  Period.  I think I feel the urge to throttle him at least once every other day...  Kili is having a hard time sleeping and the only way I can get any rest is to have her in the bed.  DH hates co-sleeping and keeps trying to sleep on the couch which really pisses me off.  Mega Dukes is great, but getting him to and from school every day is irritating some days.
• Family.  I'll just say one thing: When people have a common goal, why is it so hard to see / understand / accept that your way of getting there and mine might be totally different?

*sigh*  Seriously...

While I'm Falling

An entertaining diversion, October 27, 2009 By  Mental Mommy "Mental Mommy" (Portsmouth, VA United States) - See all my reviews    Customer review from the Amazon Vine™ Program (What's this?) I read this in bits and pieces while house-sitting. I think if I had been able to sit and read it all at once, I may have enjoyed it more. I flip-flopped between 3 and 4 stars and decided on 4 only because I hate to give low reviews unless I really, really don't like something. The book was a bit predictable for me. I enjoyed it well enough, but nothing that happened really surprised me. If it did, it wasn't a huge surprise, just a minor kink in the story line I'd already played out in my head. The main character, Veronica, at first seemed whiny and peevish to me. I found her hard to sympathize with initially because she seemed childish. As the story progressed, I did come to like her more and even feel sympathetic towards her. As things begin to deteriorate with her mother, Natalie, I feel for her even more. I enjoy role-reversals, even when they are predictable. As soon as things really start to shift from Natalie as the mother to Natalie as a child, or someone in need of mothering, I sort of warmed up to the book a bit more. Overall, and without spoiling anything, if you're looking for a good weekend getaway read or a book to put at your bedside, this will do the trick nicely. If you're looking for something more in-depth or classic, this will leave you wanting. I always find popular fiction troublesome for that reason, as well - I always leave feeling like there should be more. If you're looking for something profound like Plath or Chopin, this isn't it. If you're looking for something entertaining like Picoult, you'll be pleased with "While I'm Falling."

100 Days of Gratitude

I wanted to make sure that on my 100th day of gratitude, I really got it.  I didn't want to record appreciation for something flippant or fleeting.  As I was thinking about what I am most grateful for, it seemed very obvious.  Today I am grateful for never having to think too long or too hard about thing to be grateful for.  I have more than enough "things" in my life.  While we may be less inconvenienced if we owned another car, we have a reliable vehicle.  While we may need to replace our roof, for now, we are dry and happy with our current roof.  We may not have an iPhone or a laptop, but we've more than enough toys and gadgets to keep us busy.  We have more than our fair share of friends and family members who are always there to help.  We've been beyond fortunate in the people that have been brought into our lives, and even in the people who have left our lives...  Our children are healthy and happy.  Our marriage is strong and fulfilling.  Both my husband and myself are pursuing careers we chose not out of necessity but out of true desire.  Much as I might complain, I have a damn good life.  There is almost always room for improvement, but for the moment, I am stepping back and basking in the glow of the divinity of my life...  problems and all.  I am grateful for the bounty that is my life.  I am grateful for every little thing that's been given to me...  for better or worse.

Winding Roads

I am researching my path...  MEAC schools aren't exactly prevalent, and none of them are local.  Not all of them offer distance learning, and the one that I thought I liked requires you to be there more often than is feesible for me.  I admit...  I am a bit overwhelmed and discouraged.  It took me 30 minutes just to figure out what I needed to have already done before I could apply to one school.  In my defense, it listed the prerequisites in another place...  Whatever.  Anyway, I am still excited, but now I feel like I have nothing to funnel all my energy into and it's just wasting away.  My kids are looking at me like I am insane.  We've been painting and stamping and drawing and we drew with chalk outside, and even Kili Bug is a bit overwhelmed by my energy.  It's just...  blah.

I know I can do the work, I just have to find my school and get all my paperwork together.  I suck at stuff like this.  I get mired down in details and forget that the bigger picture ROCKS and that I will, indeed, get there.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.  What do we do?  We swim, swim!

Day 99: I am grateful for mental clarity and the willingness and ability to see and embrace the challenge before me!

Legends of the Fall

Legends of the Fall by Jim Harrison

My rating: 3 of 5 stars This is another one of those books that I made the mistake of seeing the movie first. Again, didn't know the book existed. However, I think if I had read the book first, I never would have bothered with the movie. The book is actually a novella. I picked it up as part of a collection of 3 of Jim Harrison's works. After reading this and another Jim Harrison piece, I conclude that I am simply not a fan of Harrison's writing style. I thought that Legends could have appealed to me, but it was written in such a dull manner that I found myself trudging through it. I do not like to trudge through anything I read! The best part of the story was actually the physical descriptions that were given about the land. My husband I and read this together and we both thought it was impressive and beautiful. It seems such a shame to waste such wonderful description on the scenery when the characters and their relationships, particularly to Tristan and Tristan's growth throughout the story, are the primary focus. The movie really took this small piece and ran with it! I will take the movie over the book any day! Besides, with all those pretty faces, who wouldn't mind a little visual stimulation? ;-) View all my reviews >>