Mental Mommy

Long Time No See!

It's been a while, and I have soo much to say, but so little time to type.  Here goes...

The vehicles: We scrapped the car.  We couldn't see replacing the engine because with our luck, the transmission would go in a few months, and then we'd have spent over $20,000 on a car that was less than 10 years old and didn't have a warranty.  We'll be paying someone to drive DH to and from work.  With what we're saving in insurance and gas, we're still saving a bit even after paying the friend.  I am supposed to start working with a friend in September, so I should be able to cover Mega's tuition, make some nice credit card payments, and still sock away some money for a down payment on a car.  We're looking to buy around the end of the year...  In the mean time, we will have the van.  It's not terribly convenient, but it's what we're going to have to work with for a while.  Whatever.

Post-partum Depression: Nae got here just in time.  I was really getting my ass kicked, and she helped pull me out of my funk.  I've still got symptoms, and I still feel blue, but blue is better than insane. 

Nae: She wound up being here for an extra day thanks to storms over Georgia, which was cool.  We did so much while she was here; her trip has been a whirlwind.  We hit up the vineyards, my mom's, the outlets, and she and DH even got to go to Busch Gardens for the day.  I frickin' love it when she's here and I can't wait to go to California some time this fall.

The kiddos: Mega and T-Rex are growing like weeds.  I am both excited and terrifed about Mega starting school this fall.  Kili seems to be in a rush to grow up and I wish I could just make her stay little forever...

Working: I am a bit nervous about working, even though it's with a friend and I will still have my babies with me all the time.  I need to do something to bring in money for my family, but worry about whether or not I can handle it.  *sigh*

Other Stuff: I am all over the place.  I feel like I am losing my damn mind...  And it sucks.

Day 81: I am grateful for my friends!  I am soooo fortunate to have 2 best friends!!!

Speechless

     I have another aunt.  My maternal grandmother had a baby while she was in the hospital in 1986.  She gave the baby up for adoption, and that baby has been found.  She's 2 years younger than me, seems very down to earth and is really pretty.  My mom tracked her down and she's excited to meet her family... 

Up sh*t creek... again.

We're screwed. Our car is a total loss. We bought is 2 years ago for $9000.00, which was $2500.00 off the sticker price. We THOUGHT we were getting a good deal. Last year, we put $3500 into it because a timing belt shredded and ATE several vital components. We specifically asked if any maintenance was needed when we bought the car, and they said, "No. Everything should be good for the next 2-3 years, or 12 to 15,000 miles." Mind you, the timing belt is supposed to be replaced at 75K miles and we bought it at 72K, so how they "forgot" to mention that, I wish I knew. So after dropping $3500 on a car that was worth $4200 at best, we had to spend another $300.00 just this month to get a new coil pack because the car wasn't getting enough power, something about spark plugs, yadda yadda yadda. So this "great deal" has cost us just about $15000K in 2 years. So we've basically been paying a $625.00 monthly car payment and now we don't even own a car that runs...

So we're either going to work with one car... Which means Mega doesn't go to pre-K this fall and I don't doula any more... Or we're going to find ourselves strapped to a barrel going over the falls and buy another car... I don't know which is worse, honestly.

I need a drink.

*Day 79: I am grateful DH was able to get out of the car safely before it decided to blow up or something...

PT! Good for you! And good for me!

I am starting physical therapy on Friday.  TriCare will pay for that, though they don't pay for chiropractic care.  Stupid, but whatever.  Anywho, my midwife took care of getting me referred and in the door and my first visit is Friday.  I am a bit scared...  I mean, I know I have to do something because for one, living in pain ain't my idea of fun.  For two, it's steadily getting worse.  Finally, it's creating other problems.  I am trying so hard not to move my hips too much when I walk that it's making my heels hurt.  They feel as though they are made of glass and with each step, they're shattering.  No bueno, senor. 

I will be going swimming three times per week unless the physical therapist tells me otherwise.  I know it's low impact, but I still have to move my legs from the hips and that's where the initial injury is, so perhaps it may do more harm than good.  I need to do something, though.  I refuse to be...  well, my current weight for long.  Heh...

Day 78: I am grateful for sleeping in.  :-)

You never know...

I have always felt that people are in our lives for a reason - for better or worse, they give us something.  Sometimes it is companionship, others, a lesson, understanding, or a chance to grow.  I have been in the habit as of late of trying to figure out why people are in my life.  I have my walls and while there are those who've managed to get beyond the barriers of my outer defenses, I often find myself feeling alone because my inner walls still isolate me.  By feeling as though I know why people are in my life, it helps me determine how close to them get.  It's absurd, but in my head, it all makes sense...

Today my walls shook.  All of them.  Every level, every ring, every foundation...  It both scared and exhilerated me.  For a very brief, fleeting moment, I felt a great weight being lifted...  I felt free...

When I first met our midwives, I felt safe with them.  That's no small compliment coming from me...  But there was one midwife in particular...  I told DH it had to be her that caught Mega Man.  He reminded me that we didn't get to choose - they rotate and we got the midwife on call at the time.  But what do you know?  She was there the night Mega was born...  And again when T-Rex was born... And finally, when Kili was born...  I felt very drawn to her.  When she led me to the doctor who helped diagnose me with Celiac Disease, the connection intensified.  Now I knew we shared something that made us seperate from most people.  That was neat, though our source of seperation wasn't very neat... 

Today, I discovered we share something else that seperates us from most...  Now, I don't even pretend to know how The Force works...  I have a lot of ideas and theories that make me comfortable and that's about it.  But I do know, beyond a shadown of a doubt, that the midwife who delivered my babies is in my life to teach me.  It was not a coincidence.  It was not chance.  There was a reason I felt safe with her and a reason I wanted to get to know her better.  I think she is in my life to teach me to accept, and in some cases, even surrender completely.  Even that word, "surrender" is very scary for me.  Thinking about it makes me tense...  But I think that is what I am supposed to be learning from her.  I am certainly open to learning more, though!  From our first appointment together, I just wanted to sit down with her and pick her brain!  I wanted to know what made her tick - she had such a peace about her and I wanted that peace for myself.  I just wanted to know all I could...  But maybe it's not knowing about her, but finding out about myself...  What makes me tick, revs my engine, fills my twinkie?  Her peace may not be my peace...  And that, just that seemingly small thing has brought me to my knees today.  How awesome is that?  I can't thank her enough...  

You just never know who will bring what to your life...  There's a line in a movie called "The War" that I will never forget.  "Our lives are like tapestries.  The colors and beauty of the designs all depend on the people we've known and the things we've learned."  I hope I leave behind one helluva tapestry!    

*Day 77: I am grateful for so many opportunities to learn...

Baby Kili's First Photos

*Day 76: I am so grateful for such an amazing family.  I can't even begin to describe how incredible they all are. 

It Won't Be Like This For Long

I try to avoid being cliche, but the first time DH heard this song, he damn near cried and I do cry every time I hear it.  This is a perfect summation of the way I feel about all 3children, but it's made even more obvious with Kili because she is truly the last baby for our family.  Something about knowing that has made both DH and I less quick to chastise and more eager to cherish. 

...So baby just hold on.  It won't be like this for long.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

 

*Day 75: I am grateful for every day I get to spend with my children...  Even the not-so-great days.

We're taking over!!!

I knew Celiac Disease was more common than people that, and that awareness has risen sharply over the past few years thanks to public figures like Elizabeth Hasselback talking about it, but man!

This website was suggested to me by a recently-met friend in the birth community.  This guy rocks.  He writes about all kinds of GF and Celiac-related stuff - even beer.  Raising awareness is rad, ya'll!  Even if you don't have Celiac Disease or a wheat sensitivity, the fact that this disease afflicts one in 133 people should be enough to make you peruse the article.  The diagnostic spectrum for this disease sucks - meaning even if you don't have the "normal" symptoms, but have odd bowels and other weird seemingly un-related symptoms, you SHOULD look twice.  Seriously, who would have though that bi-polar disorder, a horrible complexion, anemia, hypoglycemia, never pooping, weight retention despite rarely eating, kidney failure, liver stress, and chronic headaches could all be traced back to a single disease?  BIZARRE!  So yes, check it out and do a little educatin'.  Spread the word, yo!

Oy!

I had this great post all laid out - updates and pictures and the works, and of course, the innernetz ate it.  So now you just the Diva.  :-)

*Day 74: I am grateful for technology, glitches and all.

Hmm...

     So it's been almost a week since Kili was born.  I weighed myself when we got home - I delivered Kili at 164 pounds.  I came home at 154 pounds.  I'm currently sitting at 151 pounds, and already back into the clothes I was wearing before I got pregnant.  Now, part of me is uber-excited.  It shows me that I can keep losing the weight if I stick to my gluten-free diet, breastfeeding, and maybe a touch of exercise (EEK!).  The other part of me is sickened.  Here I am, finally bouncing back the way everyone was so sure I would the first two times around, but now my body is already a train wreck.  I already have these huge stretch marks that look like bear claws...  I already have the extra skin that comes with excessive weight gain...  I won't ever wear a bikini.  EVAR.  I don't care if the stretch marks fade.  I don't care if I get some tone back in the skin.  It's never gonna happen.  I'm 25 for crying out loud.  TWENTY FIVE.  And I can't stand to have my clothes off, or even be minimally clothed.  I'd shower in a swimsuit if I thought I'd get just as clean...

     Why couldn't I have gotten diagnosed 5 years sooner?  How much less weight would I have gained during pregnancy?  I gained over 50 pounds with Mega and around the same with T-Rex, but by eating just as much, if not more, with Kili, I gained FOURTEEN pounds...  I never would have hit 140, let alone 175!  How much less damage would there be to my skin?  Would breastfeeding have been affected?  Would I have lost the weight faster and easier?  WTF?  Why couldn't I know what was causing half the problems sooner so that I wouldn't have had to deal with all this crap...  It's not like I didn't already have issues with my body and food, but now this...

     On the bright side, I am MELTING.  Seriously, my stomach is as flat now as it was about 8 months after each of the boys were born.  No lie.  It freaked me out.  DH pointed it out and I didn't believe him until I got out of the shower this morning and really stopped (eww) to look at myself.  It's INSANE.  So...  If nothing else, here's hoping the trend continues and that I can get back down to at least 130-135...  I'd prefer less than that, but I am trying to be realistic...

*sigh*

*Day 73: I am grateful for a fairly easy baby.  Woot woot!!!